I have been told and have seen time and time again, when it comes to the COVID-19 situation, that I shouldn’t let this whole thing get me down. As long as we have faith we will get through anything.
If you’re struggling with this, just know that you’re not alone. I get it.
I have honestly not been handling this pandemic issue very well. Admittedly, I have been a wreck these past few weeks. My husband is an essential worker, so he still has to go out into the world and risk exposure to this virus, while I am currently immune-suppressed, having to raise two very small boys who don’t understand why they can’t go out to play at the park or see their grandparents or aunties and uncles…
And I constantly fear for all our health.
I know that the first thing I should do is trust that I am in God’s hands, but I just can’t let go of my stubborn human desire to have some semblance of control and lean entirely too much into my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5).
It feels like Jesus is calling out to me to trust Him in all this, but each time I try to take a step and feel at peace with my situation, I see something else in the news and I immediately begin to sink into the dark depths of my fears (Matthew 14:30).
I may have mentioned in the past that I have been seeing a Christ-centered therapist for issues with depression and anxiety, and I plan on writing about my experiences with that later. Rest assured, I have been talking with her about this weekly, and every week I have to go to her and tell her I have not made much progress in surrendering and giving faith to God.
Isaiah 8:12 tells us, “Do not fear what they fear, and do not dread it.” And yet I can’t seem to help but do exactly that.
We all know that God is on our side and in control of our lives, so we shouldn’t have any fear no matter what comes our way. But I also think it’s fair to say that sometimes it is easier said than done.
I’ve also been told to look on the bright side of all of this: quarantine means more time with my family, the perfect excuse to just be totally introverted, etc.
Still, it can be hard to look on the bright side for many, especially as this situation draws out longer and longer. Aside from the frightening statistics that seem to get thrown at us day by day, prolonged and involuntary isolation can get to even the most hermity of hermits.
It’s hard to be strong when it feels like there is no rhyme or reason to what’s going on. When you can’t see the bigger picture. When there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight…
My two and a half year old son has always had a love/hate relationship with nap-time. Lately that relationship has developed into more of the latter.
It seems no matter how early he wakes up and how obviously tired he is, he just refuses to lay down and take a nice nap. When he clearly needs it.
He just doesn’t see the bigger picture. To him, there is no end in sight. According to his own understanding, he might as well be stuck in his bedroom forever.
I have been seeing so much more of my son in myself lately. I think deep down he knows he needs his nap-time so that he can rest and grow. Still, he fights it, because it gets in the way of his big plans to finish all the puzzles and eat all the crackers in the house.
“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails (Proverbs 19:21).” We all had big plans before this virus came up, too. Conventions, family gatherings, game releases, Easter, etc. But clearly those plans didn’t align with God’s purpose for us this time around.
My therapist has told me, “We’ve been given a unique opportunity in all this.” This pandemic is a chance for God to show His power and glory and for us to strengthen our trust in Him.
Perhaps this quarantine is my own version of “nap-time.” Perhaps it is a chance for me to take a spiritual rest, so I can grow in my faith. Obviously the whole thing is so much bigger than me, but maybe I need to take this time I’ve been given and use it to its fullest. In the middle of being Mom, wife, friend, freelancer, etc, of course.
Having said all of this, I know I am still going to struggle with letting go of my fear. No one really knows for sure when this fury is going to pass by (Isaiah 26:20), and that honestly keeps me up most nights. But what I do know is all I can do is wash my hands, keep my husband on track with his health and after-work safety protocol, and pray. The rest is in God’s hands.
And there are no more capable hands for it to be in than the One who created all.